The Lines In The Sand And The Freedom Of Your Social World
Short: There are too many lines in the sand that people apparently cross, that leads to relationships damaged, that didn’t have any business to be damaged if you’d asked me. Also there is to little burping and farting among friends. Read here as to why.
Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/beach-shoreline-aerial-view-832346/
Sometimes I think of myself as a highly discriptive author with flowery — and at times long-winded — language. Sometimes I feel like getting to the point. Today I’m mostly the latter.
When you think about your relationships (and I mean all of them) you notice that these relationships come with expectations toward the alter (fancy word for “the other” — you yourself are “ego”). The alter has expectations toward you as well. These expectations form your relationship and, if both of you are experienced with your relationship, they form your interactions with and within this relationship.
Now I want to point out, that expectations toward interactions within relationships — in my humble opinion — tend to be wholly out of whack! A large sum of relational expectations (and their related interactivity within their respective relationships) are totally unnecessary. Many of the unnecessary interactions are only necessary because we know of them and we know the other person knows of them. The only negative consequence of not following through with them often being, that the alter is sanctioning us and literally no other consequence.
Wherever people know each other well, they should strive to detect and remove unnecessarily limiting restrictive interactive patterns within their relationships. E.g. good friends or romatic partners can figure out if burping or farting is really something bothersome for the respective other. There are other interactions in your realtionships that fall under this clause.
Then there are other limits we implicitly or explicitly state in our relationships. I ask everyone to think about these limits, as they define relationships. Not nearly every limit is bad (e.g. the non-use of violence), and some are so minimal that its basically a waste of time to address (a certain nickname is reseverd only for a specific person/context). But especially the (seemingly) non-negotiable “lines in the sand” need to stand trial for their reasoning and utility.
Lines-in-the-sand (LITS) basically say “If you do this our relationship is damaged or even over”. These LITS can be important for the definition of a relationship, as they often form objectifiable reference points to gauge bahaviour against. BUT — and here’s the kicker — they often suck (!) because they are not well enough negotiated but instead taken from other contexts.
The most disastrously affected relationship area are by far romantic relationships. “We learn ‘to love’ from stories.” is a frequently quoted saying of some sociologist I can’t remember (feel free to find the source and email me) and its true. We just seem to take romantic narratives from all over the place instead of negotiating the our own. It does make sense; its insanely hard and thus takes tripple “T: Time, Training and Talent.
But its the same — just because of the reduced live quality dependency not as desasterous — for family and even less so for friends. (Also there is more time and tradition for negotiation - at least in western European democracies)
Problem: When you draw LITS you limit possible personal action and relational interaction. Feel free to quote me: “When you draw the lines in the sand for your relationships, you define the boundaries of your social world.”
Possible solution: When examining and (re-)drawing your LITS ask yourself questions like: A) “What am I looking to do ONLY in this relationship?” B) “What am I looking to have alter do ONLY in this relationship?” C) “What is alter looking to do ONLY in this relationship?” D) “What is alter looking to have me do ONLY in this relationship?”
—> Then, VERY IMPORTANTLY: E) “Which of these LITS are up to debate?” F) “Which of these LITS are not up for debate?”
—> Then, importantly, you evaluate which LITS should be communicated
—> Then you draw your LITS
…
—> Then you evaluate them ever so often, when they are not challanged.
and the rest you leave as normal non-lined sand so you and alteri (thats the fancy plural - although alter sometimes can be its own plural in some literature) can have a fine and dandy social world with freedom to live the one life you all have and be your best selves.
I feel like I did get somewhat descriptively flowery at the end there…
Thanks for reading! Stay beautiful <3
